The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
