He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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