My room smells like vodka and shame
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
