I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
