I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
