Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
