I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
