we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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