Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
