If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
