I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
