i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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