i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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