Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
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