I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
