i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
