he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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