I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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