Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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