If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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