She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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