Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
