did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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