she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
