I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The best revenge is premature balding
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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