today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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