her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize