I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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