Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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