I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
