why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
COCAINE IS GR8
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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