Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
