I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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