this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
