you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize