I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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