DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize