wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
