she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
