I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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