I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
is it fun? or sober?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
