i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
