Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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