you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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