New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
