Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
3 2 1 whiskey
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
