did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
