good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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