In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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