I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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