you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
