; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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