It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
