last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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