yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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