U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
