I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it glows. i had to have it.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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