Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
