I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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