True but thats because hes a fetus.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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