I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
