I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
