First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
