so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
