The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
