Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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