I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
PANTIES FOUND
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
