The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
