I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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