my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
