If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
