I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
