I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
