I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
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