i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize