I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
